trust

Chryselle, over at Frangipani Journals wrote a post a couple of days ago that got me thinking. The post posed the question

What is your word for 2011?

Chryselle goes on to say “I think having a single word to define or organise your goals could be the most important thing you do at the start of a new year.”

I left a comment saying that I couldn’t find a single word that encapsulated what I wanted for the year. And Chryselle very sweetly mailed me a list of words that she thought me represent what it was that I wanted. And lo and behold it was there on her list. The word I think I’m going to choose is trust.

Mostly I’m talking about trusting myself. My decisions. Also trusting other people to some extent but I think I do that easily enough, and that often backfires on me. But yes, trust in myself is what I would like this year. Over the years I’ve taken decisions and am then beset by doubt and unhappiness over whether I’ve done the right thing. More often than not I’ve found that these decisions have worked out well for me… but till I realise that I’m something of a mental wreck.

After I had the boot i decided that I would take a couple of years off from pursuing full time work and do the odd bit of freelance. But I have to say that during the last two odd years I have rarely felt peace and satisfaction with this decision. I have been plagued by self doubt, insecurity and anger. Much of that anger has unfairly been directed at my son. Sad but true. Now I find myself pregnant again, and facing the idea that it may be another two to three years before I find myself ready to pursue goals I have that are non child rearing. Goals that are just for me. Writing related, work related, let me become a yoga bunny related.

I also need to trust decisions I make for my son. He’s gotten admission to a school for the following year. We liked the school and were pleased when he was accepted. But every now and then someone will come along and say something about the school and I find myself not trusting the decision we have made. This is intensified by the fact that we are new to Bombay, did some asking around but by and large we went with our gut feel about the school. But what if we were wrong? I hate this feeling of indecision. I don’t like that I don’t trust our decision more.

So trust it is. My word for the year.

What’s yours?

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8 thoughts on “trust

  1. I’m glad you found a word that will guide you this year! I understand what you mean when you say you have been plagued with doubt and anger since Boot arrived. I felt the same, too, when M turned up. It doesn’t seem to get any easier with time, although I guess once M goes to play school I might have a little more breathing space. The thought of another child is appealing only to give M a sibling, not for any other reason, if I were to be honest. I think I feel this way more so because my writing was just taking off and I had discovered this whole new writing world in the UK.

    I feel very selfish putting my writing (or other ‘interests’) before my child, but without it, I am so…empty. I need that in order to be a good parent and I’m glad I understand that so I make time for it even if it means hiding in the loo when M is asleep and making notes in that momentary sanctuary.

    I always thought people exaggerated when they said children were a full-time job. Working in an office shuffling paper and dealing with cranky bosses seems like fun, in comparison! πŸ™‚

    Trust is a good word. I might add ‘Relax’ to my list as well πŸ™‚

    C

  2. lovely post.

    i think i might go with – submerge.

    i want to submerge myself even deeper and more intensely into the things that give me meaning – my work, my relationships, looking outward at the world beyond me, inward….

  3. My word would be ‘travel’ simply because i did so little of it in 2010 as compared to all the other years prior to that…

    I want to see Greece, Leh, Portugal, Sula Vineyards….the list is endless…

  4. mine might be a “baby”. See, how different people wish for different things. I have the 9 to 5 job without the husband. He is in another country. The age is unstoppable. πŸ™‚

    So, all the best and remember some people do wish they were in your position.

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