T ime was when my spam box was filled with pleas from the likes of Alexis Bangalot and Mr Screwer to buy illegal Viagra. But, apparently , even spammers know I’ve had a baby and that the only thing I’m up for at night is uninterrupted sleep. So these days my inbox is flooded with all things baby . Everyone, from my local pharmacy to the supermarket down the road, would like to hand out free advice on how to feed, burp and entertain my child. Who needs nosey relatives when you have spam?
One morning I received an e-mail that first reminded me my son was now eight months old (I’m not THAT bad a mother) before proceeding to inform me that the essential piece of clothing my child was missing were a pair of crawling trousers.
As it turns out, some very clever parents with a lot of time on their hands figured out that when children crawl on hard surfaces, they can hurt their knees. They also figured out that today’s breed of overly cautious parents who bathe their newborns in Evian will no doubt spend good money on trousers with quilted knee pads that take all the strain out of crawling. Et voila! Crawling trousers. Available in blue and pink for children aged six-18 months for £18 only .
This got me thinking of other ‘innovative’ things that mothers are buying, and a quick Google search for ‘bizarre baby products’ led me to discover that parents can now purchase baby bottom fans, baby toupees and even baby cages. Though if you ask me, the last one isn’t so much bizarre as it is good old common sense. Add a hamster wheel and water feeder to the cage and a baby can entertain himself for a good couple of hours and have a cardiovascular workout at the same time.
Another interesting product was the Zaky, an infant pillow designed to mimic the size, weight, touch, and feel of a mother’s hand and forearm to help comfort, support and protect baby. So basically, they are a pair of giant hands attached to no body that you leave in the crib with your child.
Now, the Zaky is available for just $35. But think how much you might have to spend on therapy for your son or daughter later on when they have an inexplicable fear of hands. And then there’s the Pee Pee Bottle. Should Jr find he must attend to the call of nature when there’s no public toilet around, you can whip one of these handy little things out for him. Whatever happened to peeing behind some bushes? And what happens if you mix up the Pee Pee Bottle with their Apple Juice later on? Morarji Desai would be so pleased.
I know a number of women having a baby this year. In fact, almost all my friends are. And instead of the usual Baby Gap gift vouchers, matching booty and bib sets and organic baby bath products, I think I’m going to be a little more creative and start handing out the pee-pee teepees, potty mitts and baby high heels.
I, myself, am planning to purchase a Thud Guard baby helmet. I suppose it’s meant for roller blading, bungee jumping toddlers or just terribly underdeveloped 10-month-olds who are just learning to walk, but I think I’ll keep it for myself. Considering how often I feel like banging my head against the wall these days, I’m sure it will come in handy .