I wanted to write something profound. Or at least attempt to. Year-end pieces are always full of stories about the triumph of the human spirit, integrity, bravery, blah, blah, blah.People look at the past year with warmth and fondness and look to the year ahead with hope. And if I tried really hard I bet I could do it too. After all, 2008 was an important year for me.
I could write about how motherhood has changed my life. How it has made me a better person. How it has helped me discover these new layers to my personality .
But let’s face it, that’s crap. If anything, motherhood has made me cranky, irritable and perpetually hungry. At least my son has company. But seeing that one shouldn’t start a new year in a bad mood, craving chocolate-coated macadamia nuts, let me start out by looking back at the past year and it’s highlights.
I was allowed to put on 25 pounds. And not feel bad about it. I was allowed to eat anything I wanted. And not feel bad about. I was allowed to have full-blown meltdowns before 9.30 am. And not feel bad about it.
So 2008 was a pretty good year that way . Well, if you discount the nausea, six hours of labour, sleepless nights, swollen body parts, soreness and hair loss. But one must always look at the brighter side of things, as an annoying Uncle of mine always says. Since last year was all about weight gain, it seems only natural that this year should be about weight loss. And if putting on 25 pounds was a cinch, then losing it should be a that easy too. Shouldn’t it?
And with the baby boom in Hollywood, there’s no dearth of inspiration out there on how to lose the baby bulge.
Skinny celebrity mothers seem to get skinnier post childbirth, and since I’m tired of people asking me when my next baby is due it’s time to get moving.
A little bit of googling revealed that there are a number of ways I can go about this. I can go ‘the Heidi Klum’ way for starters.
The German bombshell claims that running after her three children is what keeps her Victoria’s Secret body in shape. Or I could hit the gym, like Kate Hudson did after she had a baby . The woman says she would sob on the treadmill as she felt those pounds melt away, cleansing her body and soul at the same time.
Katie Holmes lost post-Suri weight with a special ‘KH’ diet (soup for breakfast and raw broccoli for lunch and dinner), while its rumoured Victoria Beckham ate just fresh prawns and peas in balsamic vine g ar for three months. Brit glamour model Jordan aka Katie Price drank a concoction of avocado, pineapple, spinach and celery juice following the birth of her second child, Junior, and was out partying in a bikini three weeks later. Such inspiration! What should one do?
Well for starters, running after my son leaves me so tired that all I want to do is reach for a Mars Bar. I find my local gym very distracting. Forget the beefcakes pumping iron, it’s full of petite Japanese women who run for two hours on the treadmill, not a single poker straight hair out of place. How do they do it?
Diets are fine by me, if they include copious amounts of rice, potato and chocolate pudding. I have a feeling that I won’t be losing any weight in 2009.
Now this doesn’t mean I can’t look to forward the next 12 months with hope. I can hope that I’ll begin to love my love handles. I can hope that big bottoms will be in fashion. I can hope that bingo wings make a come back. I can hope that tummy tyres are the new must have accessory .
Or I can just hope that all those skinny celebrity moms will just fall in to a ditch somewhere and stop making the rest of us look so bad. Wouldn’t that be lovely?
Until that happens, I’m sticking to my Mars Bars. Happy New Year every one!
** This piece appeared in this week’s edition of Zeitgeist.**